


Selfish

by rravii



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M, also fucked up grumpy mom!yb to winner, can you tell that i'm tired after this monstrosity of a fic because i really am, gdyb are being dramatic au i don tknow, lil bub seunghyun is referred to as seungri because convenience yo, loser au/gang au/fuckin no one tells seungri shit au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 04:54:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5653162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rravii/pseuds/rravii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's difficult to piece a group together after three years apart for one's personal gain, especially when they've all become broken forms of who they used to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I just wrote a song called I Don't Fucking Know and it goes like this

Sometimes Seungri wonders if he's just being selfish. If he's just looking at himself and his own revenge and isn't broadening his horizon to see how it's affecting the others. That he just tells himself that he's getting them all together again, that they'll restore their former glory and rule above all other shit stains in the area and then their pain and troubles will all go away. 

Sometimes Seungri wonders if what he's longing for is just a memory of how they were. Memories of the good times they shared before everything went to shit. 

Everyone's so different. It's only been a little over two years, but sometimes, Seungri feels like he's dealing with people he doesn't even know. 

Daesung used to be nothing but smiles and positivity. He's broken now, he's a frightened, paranoid mess that's constantly covered in cuts and scars. Tears well up easily in his eyes and he jumps at the tiniest things, even doors shutting. Seungri tracked him down three months ago and has yet to see him smile. He's gotten a lot better in these three months, he's starting to become stronger again, but he still has a long, long way to go. 

Jiyong and Seunghyun continued in this world when they all split up. They teamed together, going from the five of them to just a duo, and continued wrecking havoc in the underworld, except they never managed to climb back up to their former status. Eventually, the two began contacting one another a lot less, until they became distant friends. 

Jiyong wasn't doing much but wallowing in his own misery when Seungri found him again. He didn't seem too keen on his plan, but at least he listened, and once he saw the state Daesung was in, the leader responsibilities kicked in. Jiyong had been somewhat of a leader to them back then, a self appointed one, taking care of them alongside with Youngbae. 

They don't talk about Youngbae. 

He's still somewhere out there, in a middle of a dump site to be exact. Seungri's found him, it's just that Youngbae doesn't want to be found. He's angry and bitter and hellbent on wallowing in his own misery by himself. He reminds Seungri of an old grumpy man that yells at kids to get off his damn lawn, especially since he more or less told Seungri to do so the first time they met again. 

The second time Seungri went to see him to try to convince him to team up with them again, he took Daesung with him. Yeah, it's wrong of him to use the state Daesung is in to help convince the other by guilt tripping them, but hey, it works, and so far, Daesung hasn't complained. Seungri hasn't told him exactly that he's technically using him, but he probably knows. It was working on him until Daesung accidentally mentioned Jiyong, which was when Youngbae completely clamped up and began yelling at them to fuck off. 

Whatever happened between him and Jiyong mustn't have been pretty. Jiyong must have been the one at fault, too, because while he gets angry at the mention of Youngbae, he's quick to become sullen and is completely incapable of hiding how much he misses him. Youngbae, however, just becomes angry and completely shuts down. 

Seunghyun is a untter mess, too, but at least he's with them. Seungri just isn't sure where he has him. He used to be a fearless killer and gave off the impression that he was still the same man from the last time Seungri met him, but then Jiyong brought him back to his apartment, which they'd silently agreed on making their base, in the middle of the night, in his pajamas, which were covered in blood, his face tear streaked and his eyes lost. 

When Seungri had to go alone back to their oldest's apartment to get rid of a body of a beautiful woman and clean up the mess before people would start asking questions, because no one else was mentally capable of handling it, it had first properly dawned upon him that maybe, this wasn't about to work. None of them were the same, not even Seungri himself. It was naive of him to think that he could just call them up, form the group again, and execute his plan of revenge without any major issues. 

Even so, he's come this far, so he might as well try to execute the plan. His girlfriend, now ex, cheated on him with some big-shot drug lord he wants dead. All he needs is Youngbae, several group therapy sessions, a few interventions (mental note: bring a cake), and some team building exercises and then they'll be solid, right? 

He might as well try. 

So he finds himself in the junkyard again, for the third time, hoping that he'll meet Youngbae in a good mood. He's not going to mention any of them, especially Jiyong, but he's going to try to go for the _I know you have a soft spot for me so I'm going to use it to my advantage_ method. He'd always taken good care of Seungri, somewhat like a drunk and sassy mom that insulted him as a way to show his love, but a mom nonetheless. 

The little fenced off area Youngbae lives in seems to be empty at first glance and Seungri starts to wonder if he went somewhere, but then he spots his dog outside the trailer. He must have interrupted his sleeping, because the lazy mutt just looks at him from where he's lying on the ground, not even bothering to get up and sniff this unfamiliar figure. 

Seungri looks around for a little bit, he even knocks on the trailer and checks inside when he doesn't get a response, but he doesn't spot Youngbae. It's not until he's given up and turns around to head back that he sees legs dangling off a container, which has been placed on top of another container. Since Youngbae didn't seem to be aware, or if he's being honest, didn't seem to care that Seungri was waltzing around in the dump he calls a home, he won't care if Seungri starts to call out to him. 

Which results in Seungri having to find a way to get up there. It takes him almost fifteen minutes to figure out he has to go inside some small unremarkable building that doesn't seem to hold a purpose and up a staircase to reach Youngbae, who he's happy can't see him struggling, because he'd be laughing his ass off at him. Seungri's got about three containers length to calm down and let go of his irritation until he reaches the older one, who's lying flat on the surface, his shirt balled up underneath his head, letting the sun warm up his tanned skin. 

Seungri's barely sat down next to him when Youngbae speaks, not bothering to open his eyes, but he must have already seen him. "Who gave you the permission to sit down?"

"No one. I just miss you, that's all." Seungri tells him and Youngbae snorts, his stomach vibrating as he laughs, and his lips spread out into a grin that fades quickly, along with his interest in Seungri.

Seconds tick by in silence which turn to minutes. He's not sure if he's going insane or not, but Seungri is starting to understand why Youngbae keeps to this place. It smells terribly, yeah, but it's very peaceful. There's no people around to make them feel uncomfortable, no flashing images or billboard signs which are screaming at them that they need this and that so that they'll finally be good enough, no stress of everyday life looming over their heads. It's just them, their thoughts, the light breeze gently caressing their skin and the sun which warms it, and, well, the smell of rotting trash. 

It's not really that strange that Youngbae seemingly lost it and scribbled incoherent shit like a heartbroken thirteen year old all over everything he could consider to be his. 

"My ex cheated on me." Seungri says quietly, hoping it would grasp the older's interest, and it works like a charm. Youngbae doesn't speak, but his eyes peake open. "She'd been fucking this guy, a drug lord, for, I dunno... four months? Something like that. I trashed her apartment when I found out and burned all her clothes, and I want to kill the dude. I want to show them you don't fuck with me and just walk away."

"Then why don't you just kill him already?" Youngbae suggests, the tone implying he doesn't really care. It stings. 

"I can't just waltz in there and shoot the guy in the head. He's got a shit load of people around him." Seungri informs him. 

Youngbae is silent for a good while, long enough that Seungri's worrying he's completely lost his attention, but then he speaks. "Just... hire a hit-man or something." 

"No." Seungri tells him. "I want to be the one to kill the guy, and for that, I need your help." 

"Well, shit, Seunghyun, you can't waltz in there and kill off all those guys but I can?" Youngbae retorts, choosing to use his birth name, the one he shares with the oldest one of them, instead of the name he adopted. Youngbae opens his eyes fully and tilts his head as an attempt to keep the sun out of his eyes, but winds up having to squint one of his eyes to see properly. 

"No, but you can help me." 

"Nope. Do it yourself." Youngbae says and rolls his head back so he's facing the sky, and closes his eyes again.

"But-" 

"No. Do it yourself or cut this shit out and start anew. Forget her. Live well." Youngbae tells him sternly, which makes him feel like he's a child being scolded by an adult, but Seungri's always been rebellious anyway. 

"What, like you?" Seungri says sarcastically, causing Youngbae to roll his head towards him again, giving him a pointed look. 

" _No_. Not like me." 

The conversation ends there, and even though Youngbae is starting to become angry, at least he doesn't tell him to fuck off. He doesn't seem to mind that Seungri is there, as long as he's silent, which is a positive outcome of their little meeting. Youngbae seems hellbent on not having anything to do with any of them and the more Seungri tries the more he feels like he's setting it in stone that he won't ever get their group together again, not like how they used to be. 

He winds up lying down next to Youngbae and staying there in the silence and the warm sun, until the smell of the trash becomes too much and he starts to worry he won't ever smell anything ever again. He gets up from the container and starts walking back to that useless building, but stops when he's one-third of the way there and turns around. 

"If you change your mind, come find me." 

Youngbae doesn't reply, so Seungri leaves silently. 

Seungri walks past the dog again which merely just looks at him, not even bothering to move his head to follow him as he disappears from his field of view. At least Youngbae cares more about him than his dog does. The scribbled walls and barrels and other junk starts to become more scarce until they disappear at all, signaling that Seungri's left Youngbae's territory. The junkyard feels somewhat like a maze, but it's probably just because Youngbae's area is hidden relatively deeply within it, giving Seungri about a five minute brisk walk until he reaches the area where he parked his car. 

Once Seungri reaches his car, he unlocks it and gets in, placing his hands on the steering wheel so that he can lean his forehead on his hands, and breathes in deeply. That is probably it for his attempts. The ball is in Youngbae's court, but if he doesn't wish to kick it back, they might as well stop playing. Seungri can't really blame him for not wanting to have anything to do with them again - he was essentially the reason why they fell apart in the first place. 

It had been coming for a long time. Youngbae was becoming more and more distant, soon followed by Daesung, while Jiyong was becoming more aggressive, and Seunghyun was becoming more greedy. Then one day, Youngbae just disappeared. They tried to search for him, they didn't know if he was dead or not, if he was in trouble, or if he'd just up and left, but they didn't find him, and eventually stopped looking. Jiyong had heavily opposed it and continued looking by himself, but he didn't get any further than they did. 

Daesung was the next to leave, explaining that they'd run their course and that he wanted out - wanted to start over. They didn't punish him for leaving because they were falling apart anyway, so they'd let him go with _good lucks_ and _take cares_. It had been a big shock to Seungri when he found him again because he'd always figured he'd be living in the suburbs by this time with a lovely wife, two young children, and a boring office job. He hadn't expected to find him broken and bruised, cowering in fear in a small, dirty apartment. 

Seunghyun and Jiyong decided to continue and Seungri chose to walk away. He had a lot of money, anyway. He'd be fine for a while until he drank himself to death, he'd had an eventful life anyway. It had been his plan, but then _she_ walked into his life, and god, Seungri's entire world changed. She was so beautiful, so dear to him, and he was so happy, until she got bored of him and ripped a piece of his heart with him, leaving a gaping, ugly, black hole in his heart that was bleeding out nothing but hatred, pain and misery. 

Something he was trying to fix by killing her current lover so he could rip his piece of heart back from her shaking hands and finally patch up his heart again. 

Lifting his head up from the back of his hands, Seungri quietly twists the key and starts the car, rubbing his eyes and letting his hands drag down his face before placing them on the steering wheel again, and drives off. At least his meeting with Youngbae didn't end in a fit of rage, so even if he wasn't about to join them, he could at least go visit him from time to time when things become too much. He's got to alert Daesung about this - Seunghyun probably doesn't care that much and there's not a chance in hell he's about to mention Youngbae to Jiyong. 

The rest of the way to Jiyong's apartment is driven in silence and once he reaches the apartment, the first thing he does is pull Daesung aside to inform him of the situation. He frowns at the news, but nods, accepting the reality as it is with a lot more ease than Seungri. 

And so life goes on as normal. Well, as normal as it can when you're busy figuring out how to murder a drug lord. 

They have to go on as the four of them. It hadn't ever been too apparent how much of an impact Youngbae made in the group, but at least to Seungri, there is an unmistakable void, one they will probably never be able to fill with anything but Youngbae himself. 

The days tick by, eventually turning into weeks, and Seungri doesn't make much progress. It's understandable, however, because before the team can strike, they need to heal. Daesung is becoming less terrified and Seunghyun is all coming to, but Jiyong remains sullen, quietly keeping to Seunghyun's side. Most of Seungri's work has been gathering information about this douchebag and his little team of minions which is obtained through a lot of ass kissing, lying and sneaking around in places he's not meant to be in, and stretches out to long, sleepless nights with papers strewn across a table and a hot cup of coffee to his side. 

Despite his efforts, he still doesn't feel like he's getting anywhere. It's all just a jumbled mess that looks like it's important but isn't, unless he manages to find the missing links, the ties, and ways he can use it to his advantage. 

Then one day, as he's reading over a new set of information, hoping to piece it in somewhere and make progress, trying to make some sense of things before he heads out with Jiyong later that night to crawl between pubs and meet a few shady figures that might know a thing or two for the right price, his phone starts to vibrate. It's hidden underneath a few papers so it takes Seungri some time to find it, but he manages to grab it before it stops ringing, the screen showing that it's a hidden number. 

Regardless, he picks it up, expecting it to be someone who wishes to aid him, but as soon as the person on the other end starts to speak, a cold shiver runs down his spine, quickly channeling into red, hot rage. 

"Hello, little Seungri. Rumor has it you've been asking around about me. Upset you got my sloppy seconds?" 

"You won't be laughing for long." Seungri grits out from between his teeth, anger boiling within him. 

The man on the other end of the phone laughs, but it sounds a little forced. "Oh, really? You think you can take me down?" 

Seungri doesn't answer. He doesn't want to give this fuckhead any satisfaction and he seems to be reveling in his anger. Daesung is watching him carefully from where he's seated in the kitchen, the table is angled so that he has a clear view of the table Seungri is seated at in the living room, but Jiyong, who is sitting next to him, seems more interested in poking his lunch around. 

"I also heard you're trying to piece your old team back together." The man continues. 

Seungri takes a second or two to calm himself down before responding. "I just missed them, that's all. It's not fun handing someone's ass to them all by yourself." 

The man snorts. "Looks like you're missing a piece." 

Worry replaces some of the anger that had been sucked out of his body, pooling at the bottom of his stomach. It doesn't bode well, the direction the man is going in. Not wanting to give too much away, Seungri merely just hums, trying to make the voice ambiguous enough that it doesn't sound like a confirmation nor a refute. 

The man waits a moment for him to continue, but when Seungri does not speak any further than that, he opens his mouth again. 

"Look, I'm not a bad guy. I just do what I gotta to make it in this world, just like you, alright? It's not _my_ fault your ex prefers my cock over yours, so why don't we call it a truce?"

Anger starts to boil inside Seungri again and he's too busy trying to keep it down when the guy continues. 

"It can't be easy to pull back a team that split apart on bad terms. Since I'm so nice, I'll make you a deal, yeah? You back the fuck off and learn your place beneath my heel, and I'll let you come pick up your friend."

Any attempts at keeping his anger down just went out the window with those words. "What?" Seungri hisses out from between his gritted teeth. 

"I have your friend. We got inspired by your journey of piecing together your group, I decided to let my team have a little team building bonding time with your missing piece. He's been very useful." 

Seungri wants to scream, he wants to curse, he wants to promise this man that he is going to very slowly kill him to make him pay for whatever he's done to Youngbae, but he was to choose his words carefully here. If he's got Youngbae's life in his hands, if he's been hurting him, there's little to nothing keeping him from killing him. 

"How do I know you're not lying?" Seungri questions, poorly managing to keep his anger at bay - his voice is shaking. 

"Oh, don't worry, I'll send you a picture." The man tells him, clearly amused with how he's getting to Seungri. "It's unfortunate you couldn't get him to stick to your side again. It took a lot to get him talking." 

That man took his ex from him, a woman he loved and adored with all his heart. There's not a chance he's going to let him take Youngbae from him too, even if Youngbae doesn't want much to do with him anymore. From the start, this plan of revenge has been selfish, a naive thing he's been doing because he's tricked himself into thinking once the guy is dead everything will be okay again. If he has to sacrifice Youngbae's life to get to this guy, he'll rather drop everything and walk away. 

"Fine. I'll back off." Seungri reluctantly tells the man. Even Jiyong is watching him now, eyeing him carefully, not certain what to make of this conversation. 

"Good choice. I'll text you the location so you can come get your friend. See you soon." The man ends off, making a mocking, disgusting, cute voice with his last words, making the anger within Seungri feel like he's about to burst. There is an overwhelming urge to smash his phone against the wall and to scream, but he does neither, instead patiently waiting for the text and the picture. 

"What's wrong?" Daesung asks quietly, tone hesitant, like he doesn't want to ask. 

There's no reason to hide it, even if Jiyong is there. "The scumbag called me, the drug lord, or whatever. He says he's got Youngbae." Midway through the first sentence, he hides his face in his hands, words coming out slightly muffled, but should have been heard clearly enough. He knows Jiyong is going to be livid and he just doesn't want to face it right now. 

There is deafening silence in the room for a few seconds, then Seungri hears a chair being scraped hastily against the floor, and then footsteps, leading out of the room. It didn't really become that apparent to him as he was talking to the man on the phone that Youngbae was very likely in a lot of danger because of him, it didn't really sink in, but now that the guy has hung up and he's got nothing but his own thoughts, Seungri feels like something is crushing him. 

If Youngbae gets hurt because of him, if he... if Youngbae dies because of him, Seungri will never, ever be able to forgive himself. He should have just left him alone, he should have given up after the first time Youngbae told him to fuck off and not tried to involve him in his own business to begin with. Hell, Seungri should have just let things be and returned to the bar after he discovered his ex was cheating on him to drink his sorrows away and continue drinking until he'd drink his life away. 

His phone vibrates against the table, causing Seungri to lift his head very slowly from his hands. It vibrates again, so Seungri very reluctantly grasps it in his hands and opens the messages he'd been sent. The first one is the location, and the second is a picture, as was promised. Seungri can hear the scraping of chair legs against a wooden floor again, this time a lot softer, but doesn't look to see what's happening. He's too focused upon the picture in front of him - a small thumbnail of something dark and gritty he can't really make out, and doesn't want to enlarge. 

Despite his own wishes, Seungri taps the photo, bringing it up to full size just as he feels a presence behind him. The picture is dark and somewhat blurry, but it's unmistakably Youngbae. He's being held up by his arms, which are lifted up over his head, chained to the ceiling. He's shirtless, dirty and bleeding, his head being held up by his hair by a masked man making a peace sign to the camera. 

"What do we do?" Daesung asks from behind him, fear evident in his voice upon seeing Youngbae like that. 

It's unfair. If anyone should have been taken, it should have been Seungri. 

Seungri doesn't get to respond, because Jiyong enters the room, a bag slung over his shoulder, Seunghyun trailing behind him, and places the bag not too gently on the table. As if though it's an instinct, Seungri turns the phone away from Jiyong, but the man catches enough of a glimpse to become curious.

"What was that? Show me." Jiyong demands and reluctantly, Seungri hands him the phone. He wants to hide his face in his hands again, but resists the urge and watches how Jiyong will react instead. His face changes drastically, going from worry and wonder to pure, seething anger, fire lighting in his eyes as he tightens his hold around the phone to the point where his knuckles turn white and Seungri starts to worry the phone is actually going to be flung against the wall after all. 

Thankfully, in a way, the phone just gets slammed on the table and Jiyong starts to frantically opening the bag, revealing various guns inside.

"Woah, woah, hey, what are you-" Seungri begins, but stops himself mid sentence when Jiyong whips his head around to look at him, glaring at him in a way that makes Seungri worried there's a gun in his hands. 

"We're going to get him." Jiyong says firmly, trying to sound calm and collected too, but the guy is already such a mess that his voice shakes and Seungri's sure no one would be surprised if he'd start angry crying then and there. 

Seungri opens his mouth but a gun gets shoved into his hands, probably as a means to shut him up, but he still speaks up. "We - hey, we are, okay? We'll go get him, but the fucker said we could if I give this all up and leave him alone. Going in there, shooting everything in sight isn't exactly what he wants." 

"I don't give shit about what this guy wants." Jiyong spits out at him. "Youngbae is hurt and I want him back."

"Trust me, so do I." Seungri retorts, glaring right back at him. "But if we want the best outcome for him, we go in there peacefully and do what we're told." 

Jiyong angrily hands Daesung a gun, not even bothering to look at him as he does, as he's too busy glaring daggers at Seungri. "I'm killing that fucker for what he did to Youngbae." 

"Well, then you'll risk Youngbae." Seungri says, full well knowing that those words are just going to make Jiyong angrier, which they do, but before Jiyong can scream something at him, their oldest interrupts them. 

"Everyone's number one priority is to get Youngbae, so let's do what we need to get him to safety, and we can worry about how we kill this piece of shit later." 

"We're wasting time," Jiyong just huffs out, handing Seunghyun a gun and then zips up the bag, taking it with him as he hurries out of the apartment. Seunghyun is quick to trail behind him, leaving Seungri and Daesung alone in the kitchen.

Daesung is looking down on his gun, worry and fear building up in him as the seconds tick by. His hands start to shake and that's when Seungri remembers things aren't like they used to be. They're all still broken, they're all still shadows of the people they used to be, a bunch of messed up individuals trying to act like how things were before, but they're not, things aren't the same, not anymore. 

"You can stay behind, it's okay." Seungri suggests, but Daesung shakes his head. 

"I want to help." 

Silently, the two of them walk out of the apartment and into the backseats of a car that is waiting right outside for them. It's a fancy black car that probably cost a shitload of money, with tinted windows and sturdy looking wheels. Seunghyun is in the drivers seat, tense as he waits for them to properly get in, but is a lot more calmer than Jiyong who sits next to him. 

Once they drive off, Seungri realizes this is their first task together. This is the first thing they're doing as a team and it would be exciting if it wasn't for the danger looming over Youngbae, or the fact that arguably, none of them are ready.

"Alright," Seunghyun begins. "It's probably for the best to keep the guns on us since this could turn out to be a setup, but let's avoid making this violent because they have a whole lot more shot at coming out alive than we do. So, we get in there, get Youngbae, and leave. We can get our revenge later." 

_We, our_ , those words make Seungri's chest swell despite the circumstances. Their little team is all coming to, slowly but steadily, it isn't just all wishful thinking on Seungri's behalf. 

Jiyong doesn't seem too satisfied, but at least he keeps his mouth shut, choosing to glare out the window instead. Daesung has resumed looking at his gun, his hands shaking faintly enough that it's hard to pick up on. It can't be easy for him, going headfirst into danger after having been hurt so many times, again and again. Seungri chooses to mimic Jiyong and looks out the window. He doesn't think much as they drive there as his mind is currently occupied with worries for Youngbae and the outcome of this meeting. 

He wouldn't put it past this fucker to kill Youngbae and hand over his corpse. He wouldn't put it past him to make this whole thing a setup, either. The more Seungri worries about this, the more he feels like he's walking into a trap. It would be incredibly dumb of this guy to just hand over Youngbae and walk away, like there's nothing else to it. Of course he knows Seungri will still want his revenge, of course he knows harming Youngbae is only throwing fuel onto the fire. 

Whatever happens, Seungri won't complain over dying alongside his brothers. 

The location turns out to be on the outskirts of town. It's a small house with a decently sized parking lot, a fence lining the area, and beyond that, a vast space of nothing stretches on for a while. It might have been a store, a restaurant, or some rest stop at one point, but now it looks abandoned. They don't spot any guys around the area on the roof, but once they turn into the parking lot, the view greeting them causes Seunghyun to stomp on the breaks, bringing the car to an instant halt. 

In the middle of the parking lot is Youngbae, lying on the ground, not moving, a pool of blood underneath him. 

"No," Jiyong breathes out, causing Seungri's attention to shift from Youngbae's body to Jiyong. He's wide eyed and terrified, yet there's still so much anger within him, but it slowly fades out and leaves pure, heart-wrenching pain behind it.

Seconds tick by where no one knows what to do, until Jiyong suddenly jumps to, hastily opening the door and rushing out, screaming out Youngbae's name. 

If what he told Seungri is all true, this is the first time he's seeing him since he disappeared several years ago. 

Seunghyun lets out a curse and gets out of the car as well, so Seungri mimics him, intent on following Jiyong to help him with Youngbae's body, but stops at the words Seunghyun calls out to Jiyong, who is quickly approaching their remaining member. 

"Jiyong, duck!" 

Jiyong doesn't think, he just does, and as he ducks down, a shot rings out, and then Jiyong stumbles to the ground. 

"You fucking idiot!" An amused voice calls out, a voice Seungri recognizes to belong to that shithead, but before he can get angry, before he can yell back at the guy that he's going to cut him open and strangle him with his own intestines, more shots ring out and he's being shoved behind the fence by Seunghyun, who is already shooting back. 

Jiyong is out in the open, he's alive and he's crawling slowly towards Youngbae, but he probably won't manage to reach him. Seungri curses himself, angry at himself for having caused two of them to meet their untimely ends because he was being selfish and stupid. Before he can start mentally kicking his own ass, the engine of the car suddenly roars and drives forward, making a sharp turn so that it's shielding Youngbae and Jiyong. Most of the gunfire shifts and gets concentrated on the car, the bullets making dents into the metal and breaking the windows. 

Seunghyun rushes forward, crouching as he moves towards the car, using it to shield him from the gunfire, and Seungri does the same, moving towards to Youngbae while Seunghyun seems to be heading to the car. 

Jiyong is still crawling towards Youngbae, tears streaking his face mixed with dirt. He appears to have been shot in the shoulder, making it all the more difficult for him to crawl along the ground, but he doesn't seem to care. His mind is just focused on Youngbae, his name coming out from between his lips as small puffs of breaths. It's a heartbreaking sight to see, that they had to reunite like this again. 

Youngbae looks like he's dead, but just to make sure, Seungri decides to check for a pulse on his neck, but as he's moving his hand to there, he feels short and labored breaths against his hand, and finds a pulse when he feels for it. It's weak, but it's there, so there's yet hope for them. He doesn't get to feel much relief, however, not with the bullets flying over their head and hitting god knows what, or who, but they got him, so now they need to get out of there. 

"Seunghyun!" Seungri calls out and the man instantly appears by his side. "He's alive, he's alive - help me get him in the car, we need to get the fuck out of here!" 

Instead of helping him with Youngbae, Seunghyun turns to Jiyong first, helping him get up from the ground but still keep himself low enough that he won't get shot, and has to practically manhandle him into the car, because all Jiyong can think about is Youngbae, all he seems to want is to get to him, to feel him, to be near him and know for certain that he is alive and will be okay. 

After that, Seunghyun returns to Seungri's side, and the two get Youngbae into the car as carefully as they can. It's a bit of a struggle and it's risky - they fully well know that moving an injured person might fuck them up, injure them further or even get them killed. Despite that, it's the only thing they can do if they want to attempt to save his life, so they just have to risk it. 

They get him into the car so that his head is resting in Jiyong's lap and his legs are thrown over Seungri's. Daesung is sitting in the driver's seat, head ducked so that he won't get shot, but he's firmly keeping a grasp on the steering wheel, and when Seunghyun yells at him to drive, he does so, without lifting up his head. He knows roughly where to go, but winds up taking some of the fence with him as he speeds off from the parking lot and onto the road, where he lifts his head just up high enough that he can see what's ahead of him, and once the gun shots stop entirely, he pulls himself into a proper position and starts heading back home. 

"Seungri, check Youngbae for injuries. Jiyong, use this on your wound." Seunghyun instructs them, throwing Jiyong some balled up fabric, but Jiyong doesn't seem to care, letting the fabric drop down to the floor of the car. He's too focused upon Youngbae, stroking his cheek and hair delicately, as if though he's handling something fragile and precious, which, arguably, he is. He's also mumbling something under his breath, words too quiet for Seungri to make them out, but it doesn't matter, because it's clear those words are meant for Youngbae. 

There's a lot of blood and dirt on Youngbae's body, but as Seungri fishes out his phone and uses it as a flashlight, he has a much easier time spotting his injuries. He has a rather ugly cut on the upper half of his abdomen, but besides that, that area looks alright. His chest has a few cuts, nothing too deep, and Seungri remembers seeing a rather deep and long cut alongside his back. His face is red and swollen in some areas, there's a cut on his lip in two places but his three rings are where they should be, and his nose is bleeding. Just above his temple there's a cut, from which blood has poured down his face and neck. There's a cut on his upper arm similar to the ones on his chest, and from the holes on Youngbae's jeans, he can see that his knees are red and bloody, looking like they've been scraped against something. It's likely he has more injuries, but that's all Seungri can make out for now.

Since Jiyong doesn't want to use the fabric, Seungri just picks it up and uses it to push against the still-bleeding wound on Youngbae's abdomen.

"He's alive?" Daesung questions, a little out of breath.

"Yeah. Gang's all here." Seunghyun replies quietly. 

This wasn't supposed how Seungri's plan was to unfold, but at least he can comfort himself knowing that they're all together again, even if it's highly likely Youngbae isn't going to be happy about it. There's not much he can do about it, anyway, not with those wounds, so unless he decides to be stupid, stubborn and angry, he's inevitably going to warm up to them again. 

Maybe, he and Jiyong can kiss and make up for whatever happened between them. Whatever it was, Jiyong still immensely cares for Youngbae, that much is clear with how delicately he's treating him, with how worried and afraid he looks whenever he looks at Youngbae, which is basically all the time. 

As they head back to Jiyong's apartment, Seunghyun calls up some woman he knows to come patch them up, Seungri notices that the car is driving strangely smoothly, considering it just got shot at bunch of times. They must be in one of Jiyong's car he uses for mission - one of those he's put bulletproof wheels on. 

The woman is already there when they reach the apartment, it's someone Seungri doesn't recognize, she's blonde and beautiful, but he can't dwell on it for too long because they need to get Youngbae out of the car and Jiyong isn't all too ready to let go of him. They let Jiyong get out of the car and help carry Youngbae up to the apartment where the woman has already set up a few things and made everything ready for them in one of the rooms, and the longer they're around her, the more Seungri realizes that Jiyong is very familiar with her as well. 

Once they reach the room the woman wants to take Youngbae into, she beckons Daesung over to help her, and only just looks at Seunghyun, which makes him switch places with Daesung so that he can peel Jiyong off him, who instantly starts to fight back, as if though Youngbae is being ripped out of his arms forever. 

"No, _no_ , Seunghyun let me- don't-, let me go, let me go with him! Youngbae - _please_ , let me go!" 

Tears start to spill out of his eyes, dropping down to the floor, and he's fighting back as hard as he can against Seunghyun's strong grip, but with an injured shoulder like that, he doesn't make much progress. 

"I'll fix him up and then I'll come take care of you too Jiyong, okay?" The woman says, but doesn't really mean to stick around to hear his response, and instead helps Daesung carry Youngbae by going on his other side - the one Jiyong used to be at. 

"Youngbae," Jiyong sobs after him as the woman and Daesung help carry him into the room and close the door after them. " _Youngbae_." His pushing against Seunghyun's grip has become a lot weaker, to the point where their oldest can easily grab him and move him to the couch to sit down. When he realizes that Jiyong isn't going to try to burst in there, but rather has chosen to just sit on his ass and cry, Seunghyun gets out of the living room and returns with a towel that he balls up and pushes against Jiyong's wound, moving his hand up to hold it so he doesn't have to do it himself. 

Seungri doesn't know what to do. It's quite awkward, having Seunghyun irritated and tense on one side, and having an emotional, broken down Jiyong who isn't even trying to hide how he's sobbing on his other. When the woman comes out of the room, a whole lot sooner than she should have if her plan had been to fix up Youngbae first, she informs Jiyong that she's going to patch him up quickly so he won't have to wait, and when she gestures for Seungri to go in the room, he rushes in before she changes her mind. 

At least Daesung isn't crying and Youngbae's, well, unconscious, so they're going to be a lot easier to handle. Temporary bandages have been hastily wrapped around Youngbae's middle - they're already bleeding through, and Daesung is carefully patching up his other smaller wounds and cleaning up the blood and the dirt. 

"Need any help?" Seungri offers, but from experience regarding many different things, he knows it's sometimes best to just let one person work on something rather than to butt in and make things all the more complicated. 

"No, thank you, though." Daesung replies and continues to work in silence. He looks like he has a question on the tip of his lip, something he doesn't really want to ask, but he holds back, trying to focus instead on the task at hand. It's somewhat creepy to see a person get their wounds disinfected and not have them react at all.

"Do you think he'll stay?" Daesung finally asks, quietly, as if though he doesn't want to ask because he doesn't want to know the answer because he knows it's going to be a negative one. 

"No. He doesn't seem to want anything to do with us anymore." Seungri answers honestly, because why should he hold back on the truth. 

Daesung lets out a sigh. "Jiyong's not gonna be too happy." 

Seungri doesn't answer. He doesn't really need to, nor does he really know what he'd be able to say to that, other than a _yeah_ or a hum in agreement. It's likely that Youngbae is going to be grouchy and irritated, probably wishing to be alone, until he's good enough to leave, which is when he walks out on them for the second time.

"What happened between them?" Seungri asks instead. 

Daesung bites his lip and pauses his work, glancing momentarily at Seungri, giving him a worried look, but then resumes. "It's... complicated." 

Seunghyun has implied that he knows what happened between the two, and apparently, so does Daesung. Everyone but him. 

They better fucking tell him soon.

Having the blood and the dirt washed away reveals a few other cuts Seungri hadn't noticed before. They're not deep, but they're clean enough that they look like they were inflicted with intent. Most of Youngbae's injuries are a result from a beating, various areas on his body being red, irritated and swollen. He's definitely going to be colorful once the bruising properly sets in. 

Once Daesung's patched up what he can, he moves a chair that was on the other side of the room to the side of the bed and sits down, averting his eyes from Youngbae's form and to somewhere on the floor, while Seungri chooses to lean against the wall. There's not really other seats around, aside from the bed, but it feels too much for Seungri to start cramming himself on the end of the bed, not to mention if Youngbae were to wake up, he'd kick him off the bed first and ask questions later. 

Seungri's been standing so long that his legs are starting to ache when the woman enters the room again, not sparing either of them a glance or a word, but goes straight to work on Youngbae. She quickly but carefully stitches up the wound on his abdomen and dresses it, then she rolls him over and stitches up a wound on his back, which takes a lot longer because the cut is a rather large one, despite not being that deep, and dresses that one too. Daesung took care of the rest, so she can start to work on the more technical stuff Seungri doesn't really know a lot sooner. She's busying herself with sticking a rather nasty looking needle into his arm when Seungri's legs have had enough and he feels the urge to sit down, so he just chooses to leave the room since they don't really need his help anyway. 

The second he walks out the door Jiyong stands up, his bandaged shoulder showing from underneath his sleeveless shirt. He's not crying anymore, but his eyes are wide and filled with worry and it's upsetting to have to tell him that no, it's probably not a good idea for him to go in there yet. The woman needs space to work and Jiyong would probably not give her much, if his previous actions are an indication for anything, he'd throw himself onto Youngbae and never let him go again. 

Wordlessly, Seungri moves to sit down, letting himself fall into the couch with a relieved sigh. His legs were really starting to hurt like a bitch. Seunghyun has to reach out his hand and pull at Jiyong's shirt to make him sit down again, who'd just been looking at the door with a longing look. He must have been told not to go in there because Seungri had been half expecting him to just run in there. 

The room is engulfed in silence as they sit there, waiting for the woman to come out of there and tell them how things are. Minutes stretch on and soon all pile up together to form an hour, yet there is still no movement from the room. It's weird to be sitting like this with them again, it feels very much like how things used to be. Seunghyun is calm, but Jiyong is bouncing his leg up and down in stress, never removing his eyes off the door, as if though he only has one chance to see it opening. 

They've almost reached the second hour when the door opens and the woman steps out, Daesung following her from behind. Jiyong stands up again, the expression on his face identical to how he'd looked at Seungri, but it quickly transforms into relief when the woman nudges her head in the direction of the room and in an instant, Jiyong has disappeared from their view and into the room. 

"Thank you, Chaerin." Seunghyun says, sounding very mentally exhausted, which isn't surprising at all. He's not the best guy to deal with emotional things yet he was the one who got left with Jiyong when he was a crying mess. 

Chaerin nods at him. "Make him rest for a few days, Daesung can take care of the bandaging and removing the stitches and all that." 

So Daesung knows her as well. Were Seungri and Youngbae the only ones who didn't recognize this lady, or was Seungri somehow left out of the loop, _again_? It didn't really matter, she's a friendly so he can just get to know her later, which he undoubtedly will if they continue as a team. 

It's likely they'll stick around together for a little while, at least. If Seunghyun and Daesung stuck around previous to this whole episode with the douche-lord, it's likely they'll stick around for whatever comes after, as long as it doesn't become too much. Jiyong is out for blood, that's for certain, both for having harmed Youngbae and for having harmed himself. Youngbae is a question mark, well, it's actually likely he's just going to disappear off again and not get further involved, but then again, how did the guy get to him in the first place?

It's definitely strange that the ass-hat all of a sudden managed to get his hands on Youngbae, and knew that he could use that to his advantage, to reel Seungri and the rest of them in. Unless he has units keeping an eye on who enters and leaves junkyards, there are limited ways as to how he could have found out about both where Youngbae lives, and that Seungri was keeping in contact with him. Not even so, maybe they managed to snatch up Youngbae somewhere else, but why would he be anywhere near them, and why would they be looking for him in the first place?

All of these questions swarming around in Seungri's head are things he'll probably only be able to figure out by talking to Youngbae once he wakes up, so he decides to keep his eye on the room, maybe choosing to sit around in there later and wait to see if he wakes up during that time, because he wants to grab him before he leaves to figure these things out. Maybe Youngbae's going to want to help him now, since he's a target of theirs. 

Seungri waits until some time after midnight to go check up on Youngbae. Jiyong is still in there - not a peep has been heard from the room nor has the door opened since he was let into the room. It was like a silent agreement between all of them to just leave the two alone. Jiyong has so sorely missed Youngbae, but the latter is still incredibly angry, well, at everything, not just Jiyong, but still, the best compromise between the two is probably to let Jiyong stay by his side while he's unconscious. It's not until after Youngbae wakes up that they have to start dealing with the drama and the bullshit. 

But once Seungri does go in there, he can see that Jiyong has moved the chair closer to the bed, so that he can curl up into himself on the chair, but still be near Youngbae, near enough that he has his hand on his, not really holding it, but his fingers are vaguely grasping at Youngbae's ring finger and little finger. He glances towards Seungri when he enters the door, offering him a weak smile, his eyes red rimmed and tired. 

God, he's cried a lot today. It's no wonder that he's exhausted. He doesn't spend a long moment on Seungri - he moves his head back and resumes watching Youngbae. The bruises are starting to form, some are gaining color, and there is swelling in several areas, but besides that, he looks relatively peaceful, with how his bandaged chest rises and falls in a rhythm. 

"I looked for him a lot, you know." Jiyong says, "I did everything I could to try to find him to see what happened to him, but I never did, so I started praying. I prayed and prayed and prayed that whatever higher power there is out there would look after him and take care of him and keep him safe and happy, and this is how I get repaid?"

"He's going to be alright." Seungri tells him quietly, trying to make his voice as soothing as he can so that he won't get him worked up again. Despite his exhaustion, he still seems rather high-strung. 

"He better be." Jiyong responds with an edge to his voice, and then the fire bursts in his eyes again. "I'm going to kill that fucker. I'm going to light him on fire and watch him slowly burn." 

"You and me both." Seungri says with a sigh and leans against the wall, next to Jiyong's chair. Jiyong has his knees pulled to his chest, one arm wrapped around them while his other is outstretched to the bed, and his chin is resting on top of his knees. He looks pitiful, especially with the slowly fading anger being replaced by sorrow in his eyes and how deeply exhausted he looks. 

"You should go to sleep." Seungri suggests. "I'll watch him for you."

Jiyong just shakes his head, but barely so - if Seungri hadn't been watching him directly he wouldn't have caught it. "I want to be here when he wakes up." 

Any further attempts at persuading him to leave to go sleep in a bed fail. It's clear that he's about to fall asleep - which he does very quickly after their conversation, managing to fall asleep and keep himself up in that position by angling his legs so that they're being held in place by the arms of the chair. Seungri sticks around for a little while, but since he doesn't have any place to sit and Youngbae is still very much so out of it, he leaves the room and heads to his desk. He might as well get some work done while he waits - he'll hear if Youngbae wakes up. 

He doesn't get much work done anyway, because sleep is quick to sneak up on him. His head starts to get heavier and the words stop making sense and before he knows it, he's resting his head on the table, drifting off into dreams of easy plotting and much wanted revenge.

\--

There's a sharp pain in his stomach as he wakes up and his head feels heavy, knowing that he's got a headache coming on, not to mention the incredible soreness in his back. One of his eyes is slightly swollen - it's difficult to open them, it's too light in the room and his vision is blurry. His tongue detects a faint taste of metal, so Youngbae licks the area of his piercings that are inside his mouth, the taste of blood stronger. 

Youngbae's in safety, that much is certain. Just before he passed out he got told he was about to be killed, so someone must have come for him, and the list of people who give a shit about him is incredibly short anyway. Narrowing it further down to who has the capability of helping him out in a situation like this leaves one person, which is Seungri. That guy and his little team of shit-stains are his target too, so of course it was him. 

The smart thing to do would have been admitting to Seungri that yes, he did want to help, and he did help. He had a lot of information he gathered, both shit he found out and things Minho and his friends had discovered, some of them petty things like what crack-whore he bangs in return for drugs, others crucial information that will greatly help Seungri out. Thing is, Youngbae is stubborn, he knows he is, and he doesn't want to admit that he wants to help out, because that will raise up Seungri's hopes of him joining the team again. 

Youngbae doesn't want anything to do with them anymore. He doesn't mind walking into the world of crimes again, he's practically dancing around the border anyway, no, it's them he doesn't want back. Does he hate them? No. Does he miss them? Incredibly. Does he find himself thinking about memories, about how things had been, about how happy he'd been in the early days, and getting more and more bitter the more he thinks about it, until there isn't anything to him but anger and bitterness? Absolutely. 

The memories are difficult to think about sometimes, even the positive ones, and the loneliness becomes overbearing sometimes, leaving him curled up and crying with no one to comfort him but a dog that had previously been licking his ass, licking his tears away. It's difficult, because he fucked up. 

His body is screaming at him to keep his eyes shut so that he can fall back to unconsciousness and not have to deal with this pain, but fights against it and blinks his eyes open. His vision comes to him slowly, the blurriness becoming clearer, until his vision is fully to, and the only thing Youngbae can think about is that the ceiling is familiar, and it isn't Seungri's ceiling. He starts to wonder if he moved to an apartment complex he recognizes, but then it hits him, then he remembers the ceiling, and jerks, the action causing a wave of pain to explode through his entire body. 

It's Jiyong's apartment.

He's in Jiyong's apartment. 

Idiot, he's such a fucking idiot, how did he not expect this? Of course Jiyong had something to do with this - Seungri's been working on getting the team back together, so of course when something happens to him, Jiyong's going to freak the fuck out and demand to go with him. 

Youngbae starts glancing around the room for his exits, but winds up not really having to, because he knows this room all too well. He's lying on a bed, pushed up against the wall, and there's a dresser in front of him, a door to the left of it. Near the dresser should be a chair, but it's not there anymore, unless someone moved it to sit next to his bed, which is exactly the case. 

Jiyong's sitting next to him. Somehow, he's managing to sleep with his knees pulled to his chest and his face smushed against his hand in a way that is sure to leave a print. There are bandages peeking out from underneath his shirt, too. Jiyong's there, he's waiting for him to wake up, so Youngbae doesn't have a choice. He should be resting, that's the smart thing to do in this situation, but he has to leave. 

It's difficult to raise himself up from the bed quietly when his entire body is in searing pain, but he manages it with patience and a few pained exhales out of his nose. He feels very stiff and sore all over, his knees aching as he takes heavy steps towards the door, constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure he's not waking up Jiyong. He doesn't want to see him, he doesn't want to meet him again, he doesn't want the aching pain in his chest on top of all the other bullshit he has to deal with. 

The door creaks a little as he opens it, thankfully not loudly enough to wake Jiyong, but another challenge instantly pops up. Seungri's right in front of his eyes, hunched over his desk, so Youngbae freezes momentarily until it dawns upon him that Seungri must be sleeping too. 

Jiyong continued on his crime spree alongside with Seunghyun, Youngbae knew that much, so why does it seem like his apartment is scarce of any fucking beds for them? It's not like Jiyong's struggling for money and they are likely all grouped up together here. 

Youngbae means to take a step forward, but stops himself, pulling back against the door. It seems to be early morning, judging by the light outside, the two sleeping men, and now the commotion in the kitchen he can hear. Thankfully, the open part of the kitchen seems to be empty and he doesn't have to go through there, he just has to get around the corner and do so quietly and then he'll be out of there. 

He waits until he can hear noises in the kitchen that sound busy enough so he won't suddenly be spotted by an unsuspecting person leaving the kitchen, and then pushes away from the door, limping ahead and moving around the corner, but stumbles backwards as he walks right into Seunghyun. The man is standing there with an unimpressed expression and a newspaper in his hands, like he'd been waiting for him. He probably noticed as Youngbae left the room and has been waiting for him, but it doesn't matter. Youngbae's leaving, he has to get out of here. 

Sin will find you. 

"Good morning." Seunghyun says calmly and Youngbae wants to punch him in the face, but refrains from doing so, both because it's not a good idea to fuck with Seunghyun, and also because he's too sore to properly throw a punch. 

Youngbae only nods and ducks his head, making a move to go past him, but Seunghyun steps to the side, blocking his path. The action causes Youngbae to glance up and he doesn't even try to hold back on his anger this time, letting it take over his features. 

"You should be resting." Seunghyun instructs him. 

"I'm fine. I'm going home." Youngbae mutters out, glaring daggers at Seunghyun in hopes that the man realizes to just give up already and let him go. 

"You won't make it far in this state." 

"Why the fuck do you even care?" Youngbae more or less hisses out at him, nostrils flaring. "Move." 

He didn't really expect Seunghyun to, but the older takes a step out of his way, making it possible for him to move ahead and to the door and finally be out of there. Without looking at him, Youngbae stumbles ahead. His knees hurt like a bitch and he's sure he's stitched up in some areas and he's _definitely_ got a headache coming on, but it's not like he's dying. He can make it back home just fine. 

Youngbae's hand is on the door handle when Seunghyun speaks again, his words making him halt his movements.

"He's been searching for you, you know. Wasted a lot of time and money to try to find you. I thought you were dead, but he refused to believe it. When we found out you were just barely alive and went to go get you, it was an ambush, but he didn't care, he just wanted to get to you. If you leave again without a word after he's found you again, you're going to finally break him." 

He doesn't want to break Jiyong. He doesn't hate him - it's the exact opposite. Youngbae left all those years ago because he fell in love with Jiyong. It's a dangerous thing in this industry, love. If Youngbae had just properly opened up to Jiyong about how he felt, and if by some miracle, Jiyong wanted him back like that, they wouldn't have lasted long. Everyone always hides their relationship because their significant other is seen as a weak link - they'd instantly be targeted, pulled apart, ripped to shreds and harmed, just to inflict pain upon the other. 

It was also very apparent Jiyong didn't want him back. He wasn't one for commitment, always switching up by fucking this guy or fucking that girl and getting drunk at bars and going home with some stranger - it's like he didn't even care who it was, and it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad to hear him talk about his one night stand when all Youngbae could think about was wanting to be those people. But then, the night before he left, Jiyong had drunkenly stumbled into his apartment after a night of partying, too lazy to get his ass all the way home so he'd just planned to crash at Youngbae's for the night since his apartment was closer to the bars. 

Jiyong had wanted to drink more and Youngbae remembers laughing as he tried to get his best friend to just fucking go to sleep already, feeling lighter because Jiyong came home alone - came home to _him_. He remembers leading Jiyong towards a spare bedroom when he suddenly gets pushed up against the wall and then there are lips on his, soft and wonderful lips that make him feel like melting, moving against his so naturally, like they had been specifically made for his. 

But then Jiyong had pulled away and told him, _'I know you want me. I've seen how you've been looking at me. I want you too, you know.'_ , and then Jiyong is kissing him again, hands moving down to remove his pants, and Youngbae realizes that he doesn't want him in the same way. Jiyong just wants to play, he just wants to fuck him and then toss him to the side like those other people. Youngbae doesn't want that, he wants to hold Jiyong and caress his skin and kiss him and fall asleep next to him, knowing that the person he's holding is someone he can call his and only his, so he'd pushed him away. 

Jiyong had looked at him with confusion, not understanding why Youngbae would do that, and had tried to kiss him again, but Youngbae had pushed against him again too, angrily telling him to go to sleep and leave him alone, and that had been that. Youngbae hadn't slept at all - he just waited until Jiyong fell asleep and then he'd packed up whatever necessities he needed and had left, fully intending to disappear out of Jiyong's life, out of all their lives, forever, but life's never easy, now is it. 

Youngbae is such a horrible person - he'd been one before he wallowed in his own misery and let himself transfer into this bitter man that knew nothing but negativity and pushed everyone away from himself. Of course Jiyong had been hurt by him leaving like that, of course Jiyong looked for him. First and foremost, the two were incredibly close friends - he _knew_ Jiyong valued him greatly and depended on him, but he'd been so selfish, so wrapped up in saving his own skin, that he'd just left without a word, without a second thought to who he was hurting. 

"Or you could just leave again, like the coward you are." 

Normally, the words would have made him angry, would have made him lash out and scream and punch away from himself, but now they just make him want to cry. He is a coward, he's just useless fucking trash that's incapable of doing anything but fucking up and causing harm. 

Youngbae can hear Seunghyun walk away, he's given up on him, so he lets his hand drop from the door handle. The easiest option is just to leave, but does he really want to do that, does he really want to walk out on them again and go back to his bitter old life? 

Youngbae lets out a deep sigh, grimacing at the pain the action brings him, and turns around. No one is in the living room, besides a sleeping Seungri, so no one will watch him admit defeat and pathetically walk back into the room so he can lie down and try not to cry because Jiyong might wake up at any moment. 

It's a struggle, getting himself back into the bed by himself, but he eventually manages it. It's also difficult to find a proper position to lie in, as his back is sore and his sides are bruised, but he winds up sucking it up and just lying on his back like he'd been like when he woke up. 

The nerves bundling up in his stomach do nothing to help the pain in his abdomen and it only gets worse as time goes on and Jiyong is still fucking sleeping. If he wasn't so anxious about what will happen once he wakes up and properly meets him again after a few years since he'd walked out on him without a word or any explanation, he would have used his pillow to smack him in his face. 

Eventually, Jiyong stirs, and the first thing he does when he wakes up is stretch out his limbs as his face shows a clear sign of discomfort, but then he opens his eyes and meets Youngbae's and he freezes, blinking at him in surprise like he's trying to comprehend that Youngbae is actually there.

"Youngbae?" Jiyong whispers out, voice pure with wonder and Youngbae averts his eyes in shame. He'd rather be yelled at, be cursed and spat at, for how he left without a word, for how he fucked Jiyong up, fucked up the entire team, ruined _everything_. 

There's a soft touch to his hand - gentle fingers trailing over the skin before they attempt to fill in the space between Youngbae's, but he pulls his hand away without sparing Jiyong so much as a glance. He doesn't deserve this. 

He should have just fucking left when he had the chance. 

"How do you feel?" Jiyong tries again, but there's obvious hurt in his voice that he's trying to mask up, but failing to do so, and again, Youngbae doesn't answer. He doesn't even shake his head even though he doesn't feel good - of course he doesn't feel good. 

Why is it so difficult? Why is it so difficult to admit that he fucked up, that he was wrong, that he shouldn't have done what he did, and that he's sorry? It's just two little words that can help dress the bleeding wound, even if he is way too fucking late. 

"Youngbae, please look at me." Jiyong asks, a task that isn't too difficult that Youngbae can find it in him to give in, and he turns his head to look at him, but immediately regrets it, so he shifts his head back a little so that he can see Jiyong from the corner of his eyes. He looks so small, so exhausted and vulnerable and it's all Youngbae's fault. 

"I'm..." Jiyong begins shakily but pauses, "I'm so sorry for that night. I was drunk and stupid and I just..."

Jiyong pauses again, this time for longer, but then starts speaking again, and _fuck_ , he sounds so exhausted. 

"I was so worried, Youngbae. Seunghyun kept telling me you were dead but I refused to believe it - fuck, Youngbae, you could at least have left a note or something." The words Jiyong are speaking should be said with anger, but he just sounds so damn drained and it's only making Youngbae's guilt grow. "How long has it been? Two? Two, three years? I looked for you on _six_ separate occasions. I spent so much time and effort into finding you - I even hired people to help me find you but... nothing."

At least Youngbae can comfort himself knowing that his _I don't want anyone to find me_ plan had worked. He hardly leaves the dump, he only did in the beginning when he needed necessities like food and water, but then he'd more or less accidentally taken a few fuck-ups under his wing, and from that point on they brought him the things he needed. That made it so he wouldn't be found by anyone, unless that person specifically looked around in dumps. 

"Six times, Youngbae. Each time I didn't find you I was so terrified you were dead, or, or worse and I just- _fuck_ , I missed you so much that I partied and drank and did stupid things and beat the shit out of others just to drive the thoughts away but I could never escape them. I-"

Jiyong's voice cracks so he stops speaking, and even though Youngbae doesn't deserve to, Jiyong does, so he reaches out his hand to grasp loosely around Jiyong's fingers. For a moment, nothing happens, but then Jiyong slides his fingers between Youngbae's and holds his hand firmly. 

"Why?" Jiyong asks, "Why did you just leave like that, without a word?"

He sounds like he's going to say something more but Youngbae interrupts him. 

"Sin will find you." 

"What?" Jiyong begins, and then adds a little hesitantly, "What did you do?"

He fell in love, that's what. He fell in love with Jiyong, his best friend, which he never should have because it's wrong, it would just fuck everything up - like it did, and then he realized Jiyong didn't want him in the same way. That was what he ran from, that was his sin, something he hid from everyone but something that would constantly loom over his head. 

Youngbae opts out of answering, but turns his head so that he can look at Jiyong fully, and god, he shouldn't have done that. Jiyong's eyes are glossy and he looks so miserable and he doesn't deserve any of this bullshit Youngbae is bringing him that the feeling of flight is almost overbearing - if he wasn't bedridden he would have left the room already. 

He has to leave. There's no chance he can stay here and let things fall back into place. It's too painful to know that he can't have Jiyong and it will be entirely too much to have to sit and watch as he pours all of his love and passion into someone else, someone who isn't Youngbae. It will hurt Jiyong that he leaves again, yes, but it's the best option for the both of them. If Jiyong knows that he's alright, maybe he can move on and live well. 

Since he's already chosen to leave, he might as well tell Jiyong so that the other will understand better when the moment comes to walk out the door and not return. 

"I fell in love." Youngbae says and rolls his head over so that he's fully looking at Jiyong, who blinks a few times at him. 

"With who?" Jiyong asks a little stiffly but Youngbae doesn't want to tell him, it's too difficult to say it right to his face when he knows there will be a rejection, but Jiyong deserves to know, he really does, so Youngbae just squeezes his hand and looks at him and hopes that he will understand. 

It takes a few seconds, but then Jiyong's eyes widen and his mouth hangs open a little bit, which is when Youngbae looks away again. He's at the surprise-stage, he doesn't want to witness the shit-I-don't-feel-the-same-stage. He's waiting Jiyong to pull his hand away, but it never happens. 

"Youngbae... how is that sinning?" 

Because it's wrong. It's wrong of him to fall in love with someone he already had a very strong and firm bond with. It's wrong because the moment he realized, everything went to shit, both between the two of them and between their group. Things soured and everyone seemed to drift apart until Youngbae left and caused everything he left behind him to crumble. It's wrong because he couldn't let go. It's wrong because he hurt the person he loves. 

Youngbae turns his head just a little, so that he can see Jiyong from the corner of his eyes, because the other has moved from his chair to uncomfortably crouching next to his bed, likely because of how stiff he must be after sleeping like that. Jiyong brings up his other hand to wrap around their entwined ones, keeping the grasp firmly, like he's intent on not letting him go. 

Jiyong gives Youngbae a moment in silence, patiently waiting for an answer that will never come, but then moves on to an even worse question.

"Do you still love me?" 

Of course he does. Why else would he have turned into this bitter person that lashed out on everything and anything positive he saw? Admitting it out loud is difficult, but he does nod stiffly, just barely moving his head so that there's a chance Jiyong wouldn't catch it, just so that he could claim to have answered. 

"Because I love you too. I just realized it way too late." 

Youngbae feels the urge to pull his hand away from Jiyong's grasp, but he's holding him so tightly he wouldn't be able to, not with the state his body is in. He doesn't know if they're walking out on thin ice or if Jiyong is just playing with him. He used to dream about things like this, that Jiyong would tell him he loves him too and they'd kiss and everything would be good, but now it's a thing that sparks fear and the feeling of worthlessness within him. 

It's wrong, because he doesn't deserve Jiyong. 

"Can I kiss you?" Jiyong asks tentatively like he's afraid of upsetting Youngbae or getting rejected, but honestly, Youngbae doesn't have it in him to push him away, so he just nods again, and then Jiyong is pushing himself up on his knees so that he can reach Youngbae and his face is coming closer and closer until he feels soft lips on his pierced ones and the tension leaks out of his body and his stomach doesn't hurt as bad anymore. 

It's a brief kiss, Jiyong is making sure to be very delicate and careful but Youngbae doesn't want him to pull back, he doesn't want him to leave and have to deal with having a discussion about this and what it means and what Youngbae is going to do next because honestly, he has no fucking idea what he wants anymore. There's still an urge to leave, but now that they've established there is something between them and Jiyong seems to have changed, there's also an urge to stay. 

So before Jiyong can properly pull back fully, Youngbae reaches up his hand, grimacing a little when he does because moving his upper arm feels painful, and places it on the back of Jiyong's head and pushes him down so that their lips can meet again. 

Their lips move slowly against one another without any urgency, neither of them daring to deepen the kiss or push things further, but it feels nice like this. It's soothing and pleasant and something that immensely helps Youngbae take his mind off of things he doesn't want to think about right now, especially not with the headache that's been forming for a while now. 

There's a distinct noise but Youngbae doesn't care for it, Jiyong must have caused in it some way, but then a familiar voice sounds out, surprisingly calling out, "Okay!" and then the sound happens again which makes Youngbae realize it had been someone opening and closing the door. The two pull apart, both of them looking at the now closed door. 

"Sorry, I'll come back later." The muffled voice belonging to Daesung sounds on the other side of the door and Jiyong quietly laughs, grinning widely like an idiot. 

Well, this is going to be a thing Youngbae will have to deal with. 

He doesn't get to dwell on it for long because Jiyong's hand is running through his hair and he's looking at him so lovingly that Youngbae averts his eyes because he doesn't deserve that. 

"Stay with us, at least while you're healing. Please?"

Baby steps - it's probably for the best that he takes them. He can just do this one day at a time, he doesn't need to have his future mapped out in front of him when even walking hurts. 

Youngbae flickers his eyes back to Jiyong and nods, this time not looking away when he smiles at him and looks at him like he's the most precious thing to him.

Maybe one day he'll deserve that.

**Author's Note:**

> and then they have breakfasts and kill people and live happily ever after.


End file.
